Forget learning a new language. Instead, focus on learning how to communicate.

Duolingo is useless...unless you know why you are using it.

Stina Gustafsson wrote a note that really stuck with me:

David Sedaris wrote about the same thing almost 30 years ago, where he differentiates between “Hard French” and “Easy French.” Hard is when you actually try to learn the language, and Easy is when you just say things more loudly and slowly, expecting people to eventually understand.¹

But Stina’s post got me thinking a lot about communicating in other languages. Perhaps that guy had studied Spanish, or had done twenty minutes of Duolingo a day for six months, and then found that it was insufficient for his purposes. Maybe he knew the difference between tú and usted, and ser and estar; he may have been able to talk about the weather, about handbags and gladrags, and about permaculture gardening based solely on his in-app studies. But in that moment, suddenly face to face with the real world, he couldn’t communicate.

What to do? Well, let’s start with a well-noted fact: Duolingo doesn’t work. For anyone trying to learn a language, just like with socializing, there are myriad better ways to do it than through a gamified app designed more to capture your attention than to actually change your life.

As an experiment, I downloaded Duolingo and went through a lesson on Romanian. Here are the things it taught me for the first lesson, then tested me on:

1. Boy

2. Girl

3. Woman

4. Man

5. I am a boy.

6. I am a man.

7. I am a woman.

8. I am a girl.

9. a boy, a girl

Are these words and concepts important in a language? Of course. I could tell that it was introducing gendered nouns, sentence structure, and verb conjugation. However, I highly doubt that the vast majority of Romanians ever have to say “I am a man” in order to communicate anything. Like many middle managers, these particular words are not worthless, but they are not worth much. Landing in Bucharest, will you need to clarify that you are a man or a woman right off the bat? If you said, “I am a woman,” would the immigration officer look at you, confused as to why you are offering her this information?

The problem, I think, is that Duolingo teaches nouns and verbs, adjectives and participles, but they somehow miss the most fundamental goal that people have in learning languages: the ability to communicate. They might be able to teach you how to structure a sentence, but they aren’t teaching people what they need to send or receive critical information. Because lots of people are using these apps, though, then tourists preparing to go to a foreign country will also use them to try to learn how to speak the language, not realizing that they will not learn how to communicate.

It’s well-known that the Pareto Principle operates in language: most communication occurs with relatively few words, and the vast majority of words are used infrequently, if at all.² I suspect that, for people travelling, the vast majority of words that they need to get by is even smaller; thirty words, fifty at the most, will serve you indefinitely, and anything beyond that is wonderful to have, but not critical.

Imagine, instead, a language boot camp for - in Stina’s honor - Spanish, or any other language. The instructor has one hour to teach the students core, basic words that will get them most of the way through their stay in Guatemala. What are the ten or twenty words that they should they know?

Well…I actually asked a few extraordinary travellers that very question. Their answers fell into a few categories.

Etiquette

Dale Carnegie would love this: the vast majority of words that people think are absolutely critical to know are words that grease the wheels of human interactions. Stina herself provided a good initial list:

• Hello

• Goodbye

• I’m sorry

• Thank you!

• How beautiful!

• I love your country 😎

Gunnar Miller added these, with explanations:

• Hello / Hi – For greetings; a friendly opener goes a long way.

• Thank you – Politeness opens doors and often earns patience.

• Please – Shows courtesy when asking for things.

• Yes / No – Crucial for basic responses.

• Help – Can be lifesaving in emergencies.

• Bathroom / Toilet – One of the most practical words!

• Water – Staying hydrated is critical.

• Food / Eat – For ordering meals or asking where to eat.

• Where? / Location – Helps with directions (“Where is…?”).

• Excuse me / Sorry – For getting attention politely or apologizing.

The last one is critical: in English, you might get away with saying “excuse me” to someone you have bumped and to get the attention of a bartender; in many languages, you wouldn’t say “excuse me” when “sorry” is more appropriate.

And the ever-brilliant Hamish added:

• Other good options include:

• “Nice to meet you” which starts you out on good footing

• “I don’t know/understand” is another good non-committal phrase when you’re in a difficult situation

• “Good” and “very” have many uses

• “I’m hungry/thirsty” are both useful phrases to endear yourself in an otherwise English conversation.

• “Beautiful” is rarely a bad thing to say.

Personally, I’d add:

• “Is it possible…?” This often leads to an opportunity to use basic nouns (“Is it possible a cornetto?” for example) or charades/miming (“Is it possible (brushes teeth)?” Miming will actually spur people to tell you the word you want (toothbrush, for example); if you write it down, they will have the good feeling that they helped you learn.

• I would also add, “I’m very sorry, but I don’t speak (language).” This fact is probably obvious to anyone who looks at you, but it shows humility and an understanding of one’s own limitations, and does a huge amount to generate sympathy.

It can also get you drunk.

To wit. I was in Paris once with my girlfriend at the time, and we went into a bar for a drink. The bartender looked at us very, very suspiciously; it seemed he was having a bad day. I gave my “I’m kind of embarrassed…” smile and started with my standard phrase, which translated to, “I’m very sorry, I don’t speak a lot of French…” The man smiled and said, in English, “You have an excellent acent! And I lived two years in Minnesota.” That led to a fifteen minute conversation about how the hell he ended up in Minnesota for two years (school, then a woman), why he came back (school ended, and then a bad breakup), what he thought about America (much nicer than France), what we thought about France (much nicer than America), and then free cocktails. I can’t promise that you will get the same response whenever you use this phrase, but it is a great way to show your own humility, admit that you are at a disadvantage, that you recognize your position, and that you aren’t going to be linguistically imperialist on other people; they will, more than likely, do their part so you can both communicate.

Human needs

A general consensus is that the most useful phrase you can travel with is: “Where is the toilet?” This is, in my opinion, where Duolingo should start for every single language; it should be the most commonly-learned phrase in the app. The fact that it is not is, I think, a failure of nearly Biblical proportions. It is something you might use immediately upon disembarking from your flight all the way to boarding to go home. (Even better may be “Toilet, please,” because you get the requirement across and you learn how to say “please.”)

Commerce

You’ll need to exchange money for things no matter where you go, even Communist China. Stina suggested “I want to buy this”; Hassan added:

• How much is this?

• Do you have…?”

• May I have…”

Gunnar suggested knowing the numbers 1-10. I would actually argue that it is critical to know 1-1000, and perhaps even more, depending on the value of the currency. Knowledge of numbers also scales; if you know 1-10, then 20, 30, etc., and then 100 and 1,000, then you can probably figure out how to get up to a million just based on how the language structures numbers.

Directions

Right, left, and straight. Even in the age of Google Maps, an incredible amount can be communicated by asking, “Excuse me, (PLACE)?” and then listening when they say “straight” and then “right.” At worst, you will get closer to your destination before you ask again.

Safety

Stina also said that she has found that “stop!” and “leave me alone” were useful. Unfortunately, we still live in a world where that is the case. Gunnar also suggested “help!” which, along with “emergency!” can save lives.

Do Not Learn

Hamish recommended against learning how to say “Cheers” when drinking, with a really solid justification:

When you have a new friend at a bar, there’ll undoubtedly be an opportunity to clink glasses. You probably already know the word for cheers, but pretending you don’t gives you the opportunity to ask. Most people actually like teaching others, as it makes them feel both useful and superior. But most people don’t have the willingness to waste their time teaching others. However, in this situation you’re both sat with a full pint and it can help move along a sagging conversation.

Based on this reasoning, I’d add that many languages have something that they say before meals that equates to “Bon appetit.” (Many people think that English doesn’t have a standard pre-eating benediction because, historically, English food has been so terrible.) Not learning this, and then paying attention to what people say before they eat, offers a chance to connect.

And this leads to another opportunity. In Stina’s note above, the guy clearly didn’t want to compromise his ego by either learning the phrase, consulting Google Translate, or charading his way through (imagine acting out “oat milk” with a barista!). If you clearly don’t know the words for something, acting it out and working together to get to an understanding can lead to a hilarious time for both of you and, if you can get some understanding, it becomes almost a bonding exercise: you have worked together to overcome a challenge, and you both benefit.

This actually happened to me recently in Budapest, when I went to get a haircut. I went to the highest-rated barber shop near me that was open late (after bedtimes) and didn’t cost $50. When I walked in, it turned out that it was run by two Vietnamese guys in their early 20s who had just moved to Hungary. Negotiating a haircut with a new barber without a common language was fun, and I got perhaps the most carefully detailed haircut I have ever had. The best part: when I paid, I said one of the few things I knew in Vietnamese: “Cảm ơn,” or “thank you.” It took the guy a second to realize that I was speaking Vietnamese, as he’d expected Hungarian or English, but when realized what I had said, he was so touched that he stopped the other guy in the middle of a haircut to tell him that I had spoken Vietnamese, and they both bowed and shook my hand.

Perhaps transmitting information is the base level of communication; touching hearts is next gen shit.

Personal

Sometimes, there are things that you need to know just because it’s you. “Oat milk latte” counts for our friend above, and it is very unlikely that Duolingo knew him well enough to include this in his first month of lessons. Stina included “I don’t eat meat,” which I’m going to guess she was smart enough to memorize ahead of her trip.³

Hamish came up with a list of some really interesting ones that he has thought about over time, with his trademark solid reasoning:

Delicious

Locals will generally be impressed by any knowledge you have of their language, but nothing will cause them more surprise or delight than coming out with a word they never expect you to know. In a restaurant you’ll already have shown your lack of language skills from the moment you walked in and confirmed that whilst ordering from the English menu. When the waiter/ress checks up on you or hands you the bill, pat your belly and exclaim “Delicious!” It will cheer you both up.

Maybe

A lot of the time you won’t understand what folk are saying. Even if they’re speaking English. We’d all love to be confident, secure and blunt enough to say “I don’t have a fucking clue what you’re on about”, but a “maybe” normally gets you through. If it’s a situation where someone is trying to sell you something, then it’s good to have a word of slightly more advanced local language to show that maybe you know the fair price and won’t be so easily ripped off.

Later

Useful as a phrase on exiting, especially to the receptionist in your ho(s)tel, or at the nearby cafe you liked and plan on returning to. It also doubles its usefulness when combined with the above for a “maybe later” aimed at a pushy salesperson.

Wife/children

Some words you need to know in order to say them, some you need to know in order to understand. That woman next to you on the train is probably asking you if you have a wife or children, but it’s good to have the knowledge to know that’s the case. Also useful: “Where are you from?”

I’d add “Perfect.” Similar to Hamish’s “delicious,” “Perfect” is something that nobody will ever object to hearing about themselves or their work - particularly when you pair the word with a contemplative nod of approval.

And really, the most important part of communication…

Exact percentages differ, but people seem to agree that most communication is non-verbal; it comes in facial expressions, body language, hand gestures, tone. In Stina’s example above, one can almost see the guy’s body language as he specified his oat milk latte - shoulders tensed, face serious and almost angry, eyebrows perhaps showing exasperation. It’s almost painful to think about how the barista must have felt.

Imagine, instead, if he had been smiling, or if his face had betrayed his humility at being so incompetent in another language. What if he had asked for an “oat milk latte?” hesitantly and apologetically and questioningly? Imagine how she would have responded; instead of simply not understanding him, and hoping he’d get out of the cafe as quickly as possible, she likely would have tried to point to different drinks, or, ideally, brought out a carton of milk, then soy milk, then oat milk, and perhaps mimed steaming it, maybe even with sound effects for a laugh. Maybe she would have asked him if he spoke French, or Mandarin, both of which she studied. Perhaps she would have brought her phone out to try to help.

In short, a confrontation based on his ignorance would have been turned into a linguistic adventure that benefitted them both, just based on body language.

So along with words, I’d add:

• A smile. Like Dale Carnegie advised, this is one of the most important things you can bring with you into any foreign country.⁴

• Talk hesitantly. Show that you are unsure. The only thing you will get is help and sympathy.

• Talk quietly. Very few people like being shouted at. If you are shouty, then you may inspire a Substack note and/or post about how much of a dick you are.

• Use facial expressions that show you are struggling, are unsure, and that you are trying.

• Don’t be afraid to make it clear that you are consciously incompetent. (This is also a good life skill.)

The how

So…how to learn these words?

I’m a huge fan of flash cards. I don’t mean apps; I mean physical flash cards, pieces of paper or 3x5 cards, with the English on one side and the translation, along with its phonetic pronunciation, on the other. I learned this from Mr. Bosworth at Granite Hills High School: take a set of flash cards, then pick five of them. Go through them until you know them all. Then, flip them over so you are looking at the translations; make sure that you know what they mean if someone else were to say them. Shuffle them and go through them again. When you know those five, add a few - three, or five more. Do the same thing with the whole stack, and add more cards every time you can show full mastery of the deck.

This doesn’t have to be done in private. Indeed, making it clear that you are trying to learn a language on a bus is an excellent way to meet people. This is especially true of children with very specific interests who want to learn, for example, how to say “dinosaur” or “police car” - nobody in the world (save perhaps Vladimir Putin, Kim Jong Un, and Donald Trump) will object to a three-year-old repeating “dinosauri” on an Italian bus.

Going Pro

It’s pretty easy to google the “top 200 words in (language).” In this list should be most of the words you already know, and you may see 20-30 other “must know” words that you didn’t think of. Prioritize these, and, if you want, add the others; there is little downside to knowing an extra 150 words in a foreign language, and there is potentially huge upside, if it helps you understand other people or communicate concepts more readily.

In addition, after these, you may consider Duolingo et al. You’ll have enough of a foundation that, when the little bird teaches you how to say “Do you have an extra catheter?” in week four, you can re-work it to say, “Do you have a toilet?” and thus appear more fluent then just gasping “toilet!” with your legs clenched together.

If you can, immerse yourself.⁵ Bring post-it notes and write the local word for common items - book, closet, bed, freezer - on the items themselves so that you see them every day. Find someone local for an exchange; speak English to them for a half-hour and then speak the local language for a half-hour. If you can, date a local; it’s an incredibly useful way to learn how people really speak, you’ll have an incentive to learn more if you meet their friends and relatives, and you will probably learn creative cursing and sharply-tailored insults - which, let’s face it, is 75% of most language these days.

Finally, carry a notebook around with you. You can write down words that you want to know the translation to, or words that you see or hear that you don’t understand. In addition, it can be useful when negotiating the price of something in a marketplace, and you want to communicate the exact offer in very clear, unambiguous terms.

Objections to this approach

There’s a New York Times piece on Duolingo that argues that “Using a phrase book to memorize…phrases in another language is a quick and dirty way to get the job done, but that’s not really “learning” the phrases, it’s just memorizing them.” The obvious answer to this incredibly astute analysis: no shit, Sherlock. But it is a far more effective way to learn how to communicate with the people you will encounter, and will lead to far less frustration on both sides of the language barrier, than perfectly conjugating the verb “to suck.”

And again, I do think that Duolingo has a function. Similar to how all human beings pick up languages, once you have the basics down - toilet, water, overproof rum, etc. - you can move on to more advanced structure, if you want. However, I think that Duolingo should not be the way people start to learn a language; there are better, easier, more functional ways to learn, and they all come from the paradigm that you shouldn’t be learning so that you can speak another language - you should be learning so you can communicate.

Does this take time? Yes. Does it take less time than 20 minutes a day using your phone? Yes. Will you learn how to say “I also like to water house plants” with more or less comprehensible pronunciation? No. Will you actually be able to communicate your needs to people? Yes.

All in all, this takes less time and effort, and offers greater rewards than traditional options. It is easier to remember words and concepts, will help you understand more, and will smooth over any rough spots that may come up.

Now, please excuse me. I have six months to really nail 200 words in Romanian, and I still have to make my cards.

1. It isn’t just English speakers, though; when I was in Barcelona, all of my Catalan friends who worked service jobs loved the Americans that they met, but hated the Italians, who refused to learn Spanish and just expected that, if they spoke Italian loudly and slowly, the Spanish would understand. This may be more likely, based on the similar Latin background, but they got nowhere with the Catalans.

2. A quick search for unused words in English came up with:
Acersecomicke: One whose hair has never been cut (from 17th-century dictionaries).

Quockerwodger: A puppet controlled by strings, used as slang for a controlled politician (from 19th-century slang).

Meldrop: A poetic term for a drop, like mucus or dew (removed from current dictionaries).

Yogh: An archaic letter used in Middle English.

Hamish, there’s your fact for the day: we used to have a letter called Yogh. Comment below if you can somehow link it to Jennifer Love Hewitt or Haley Joel Osment.

3. My vegetarian father once spent a month on a backpacking tour of China. Whenever he explained to a restaurant that he didn’t eat meat, they generally gave him rice or noodles with nothing else. Finally, on his last night, he saw plates and plates of deliciously cooked vegetables being brought to another table. He asked the guide what it was. “Monk food” was the somewhat dismissive answer. Then the guide got a weird look on his face. They both realized, in that moment, that my father could have been eating like a king for the last month if the guide had put together that his requirements were the same as the Buddhist monks that restaurants went out of their way to feed well.

4. My friend Caesar, who didn’t speak a word of Spanish, dated a former Miss Mexico for a year based solely on his extraordinarily charming smile.

5. In Barcelona, I started a year with a very basic understanding of Spanish from an eighth-grade course. In order to learn Spanish, I decided not to speak to any native-English speakers for a year. On my last night, some friends held a going-away party for me; the entire conversation was in Spanish, and we engaged in a heated argument about what constituted a continent (the Spanish thought that North and South America were one continent, “America,” because they were connected by land, but that Europe was a different continent from Asia, because it just was). My grammar was certainly not perfect, but immersion without formal training taught me far more than a classroom could have.